Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
