My friends, they love my intelligence
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize