Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
