I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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