ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
