see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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