Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
