you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
