I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
