Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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