i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
