You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
