Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
