My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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