I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize