Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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