It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
