Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
