Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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