i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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