Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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