So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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