Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
