my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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