If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
