Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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