She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
