so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
