I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize