They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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