everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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