For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
