I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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