I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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