I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
