every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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