My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize