If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
