her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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