i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
