break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Pooping to opera.
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