I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
