Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize