So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
