I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
