I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
