Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
