Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
So squirting runs in the family.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
