I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
