He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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