K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
whose parrot is this?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
