how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
