I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
me + whiskey = a bad person
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize