Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
