apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
