I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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