I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
