I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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