We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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