Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
