woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
