Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
