Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
