T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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