I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize