What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
