Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Randomize
