Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
