yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize