the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
