don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
They took my balls.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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