Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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