Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
