i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
