mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
